image source

image source

When we refuse to forgive someone, usually we think we’re punishing them in some way. “They don’t deserve my forgiveness!” we might think. “They hurt me, they betrayed me–they deserve for me to shun them the rest of my life!” And in those angry, bitter moments, our feelings seem completely righteous; we are hurt, so they deserve to hurt, too, and the best way we can think of to hurt them is to take our friendship and common courtesy away.

Unforgiveness as a Personal, Long-Term Struggle

I struggle with unforgiveness myself, as a victim of severe school bullying from kindergarten through 9th grade. I often said I forgave the people who verbally and physically abused me, but I didn’t–I held the grudge for years, silently judging each former bully by their action, remaining angry with them long after they even forgot what they did to me. The fact that they forgot even stoked my anger more; I found myself thinking “How dare they forget, like it didn’t matter, when they HURT me?! They deserve to be hurt by my hatred!”

Unforgiveness as a Futile Exercise

But therein lies the problem, one that I wasn’t able to wrap my brain around until just the last few years. Who am I actually hurting when I refuse to forgive someone? I’m obviously not hurting the other person, if they can forget what they did. I’m obviously not teaching them a social lesson, when no one else remembers the hurt done to me. What good is it to refuse someone else forgiveness, when all it does is keep refreshing the hurt in my mind, and keep me angry? Anger causes stress, and stress is a KILLER, as I have discovered with my recent stress-related illnesses.

Unforgiveness feels right, feels like exactly the thing we ought to do, especially when our lives have been changed by someone else’s thoughtless words or actions. But it won’t help us in the long run–it will only dampen our own life enjoyment, and potentially even shorten our lives, with NO effect on the other person whatsoever.

I am the last person who needs to give advice on how to forgive, since I’m apparently awful at it, but I do recognize that it needs to happen–first because it’s the Christian thing to do, realizing I too am a sinner in need of forgiveness, and second because I am tired of living with the burden of my own rage and bitterness.