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Tuesday on the Soapbox

Serving in the Church: A Solution to “College Student Drift”

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All over America, and I would guess worldwide, Christian churches lose quite a few of their young college- and career-age members to lack of attendance. This is not a new phenomenon; this age group, the very age group I’m in, is a difficult age to reach, because many of us go away from home to college and are in a totally new environment, or we’re busy with beginning our careers. But even the churches in college towns can’t often get much steady attendance from students who attend the local college(s). I should know–my church is right near a college town, and it’s rare for more than 5 people to attend either our Sunday School class or our coffee shop fellowship meetings.

Church officials and writers have been researching and writing about this issue for a long time; one recent article I found, College Students and Church Attendance: The Facts, states that church attendance by college students falls drastically as they get farther along in their degrees. Other articles seek to explain this phenomenon: Why Students Abandon Their Faith: Lessons from William Wilberforce and Why Teens Leave the Church Upon Entering College are two examples.

Many people who examine this issue blame several factors for this phenomenon:

  • The young adults are not “strong enough” in their faith to keep attending without parental guidance
  • Higher education’s atheistic teachers/”Godless” standpoints are influencing them
  • “Worldly” influences, such as drinking, partying, or peer pressure, keeps them from going to church

I admit, all these negative influences do get in the way of faith; I would add that the heavy mental load of pursuing an education (and later a career) also keep some of my age group away from the church during these years. BUT I also believe that the church in general falters when it comes to reaching college/career-age people. It can either fail to recognize or refuse to believe that its behavior toward this age group could be pushing their young adult members away, too.

An Unresponsive, Uncaring Church: A Major Part of the Problem

What do I mean by this? Think about a child, being brought up regularly attending church. He or she grows up, moving from level to level in the children’s program and then in the youth program. But once that young person graduates from high school, there is suddenly no real “place” for them in the church. There is no dedicated “young adults’ area” in most churches, not the same way there are dedicated “children’s areas” or “youth areas.” There are likely far fewer of their church friends left in the Sunday School class they get assigned to next, since so many kids leave their homes (and home churches) and go to college somewhere far away. In short, their church experience becomes far less inviting, far less familiar, just because their age changes. It’s almost like the church forgets about them, or forgets to have a ministry waiting for them and their friends when they return home.

I saw it happen to friends during college; one of the girls on my hall was very sad upon returning to the dorm one Sunday night. I asked her what happened, and she said “I went to my home church this morning, but it didn’t feel like home anymore.” There was no “group” of people her age to meet with, no one who greeted her as if they had missed her; it was as if the church had closed their minds to her when she started college. Though she attempted to reconnect with her home church a few times, she eventually quit trying to go to church altogether by the end of the year.

I’ve felt that same sort of isolation, that same sort of “twisting in the wind” feeling, as a college and career-age person myself. What if you walked into a church, even your “home” church, and had no idea where you belong, and no one greeted you or helped you, but looked at you as if you had been judged and found lacking? Would you ever want to come back? That is what many of my age group face when they go to church–they feel like they are an unwanted presence. When the church makes a college student or young career person feel like he or she is insignificant and unwanted, they do the age group as a whole a major disservice.

It’s important to remember that not all of us are out drinking every night, partying every Friday, and having random sex with strangers, nor are we all “losing our religion” because of being taught by atheist or open-minded teachers. And not all of us are so weak in our faith that we can be torn away from the church within a few weekends of being in college. True, these influences are out there, but being rejected by the church or being shoved aside is a bigger threat to college-age faith than any of the influences I just named.

My Solution: Help Us Feel Useful and WANTED!

The best way for college- and career-age people to be included in the church is to help them begin to serve in the church, assisting and even taking over ministries which need attention.

This might seem a strange suggestion at first. Why give the charge of ministries over to people who might not even be able to be there every Sunday? Why take ministries away from people who have handled them for years?

Actually, I think this line of thinking is part of the problem.

The Church Needs Young People to Serve, and We Need to Feel that the Church Wants Us

Firstly, if young people are the future of the church, as we so often like to say, then they must have experience in helping with the church’s various ministries, so that they know how to run the church when the elders have passed away. Not trusting younger folks with any assistant positions because they’re somehow “vulnerable” and “immature” will only cripple the church in the long run, because you’ll end up with a generation or two of people who simply do not know how to run these ministries at all.

Secondly, it seems at least to me that people tend to hang on to their volunteer ministry “jobs” within the church for a long time, even refusing to have any help with it at all, because it’s somehow “their” ministry. The problem: when that person dies or leaves the church, there is no one there to take up the torch and carry it again, because no one else knows how to handle that ministry. This is a HUGE problem for church longevity, not to mention the sin of pride. (Think about it: if you can’t let go of a ministry because you believe you’re the only one who can do it “right,” then are you doing it for God, or doing it for pride’s sake?)

I am most certainly not advocating the removal of dedicated and faithful church members from their long-held volunteer posts simply because younger people want to take over a ministry–that would be no kind of reward for their years of Godly service. But, perhaps as part of that Godly service, these longstanding, mature believers could use their experience to mentor and guide younger ones. It’s not about “training your replacement,” necessarily, but about creating a legacy of service and passing it down to the next generation of church members.

College/Career Age Class: Church Assistants and a Mentoring Program in One

My suggestion is: what if the older youth had something like a “shadowing” program to learn about the various ministries of the church? By asking those who run the various ministries, like the Children’s Ministry, the Music Ministry, Outreach, Sound Booth, Wednesday Night Supper, Men’s Work Day, etc., the youth could learn more about what it takes to run those ministries. Then, they could individually figure out for themselves which one they’d like to help with.

Then, once the students reach college/career age, they could begin assisting with those ministries, and even take some of them over if deemed necessary by the church leadership. Along the way, they would be mentored and guided in these ministries and in their faith by mature believers, receiving a spiritual higher education at the same time they are aiding the church itself. Not only would such trained young people be a boon to their home church, but they might even feel confident enough to help out a church local to their college area as well because they have this past experience.

Why do I suggest this course of action? Because personally, my position as a Sunday School teacher has given me more confidence within the church, and has made me accountable. If I’m not there every Sunday, it affects others negatively, and people miss me; if I want to be a good teacher of the Word, I must be knowledgeable about it and be able to point others to interpretations of it. I am one of the rare few college- and career-age people who has stayed within the church, precisely because I feel valuable and vital to the church’s workings. And I’d feel safe in guessing that others of my age group would feel the same way if given leadership or assistant positions in church ministries.

I recognize that not all college/career-age people have leadership skills, nor are all of us necessarily the most dependable. But God gives each of us a gift to share in ministry. If a church takes the time to help a young believer develop that spiritual gift and use it to aid the body of Christ, then it’s ultimately for the betterment of that young person as well as the church they attend. And it all glorifies God in the process.

Bottom Line: Connect with Us, and We’ll Connect with You

To combat these negative influences that so many church writers speak of, the church must be a vibrant presence in a college/career person’s life. The church must welcome my age group, must be willing to mentor and nurture such believers at a time when we need our church family the most, when we need a body of believers to be a part of. I think this is one of the best ways to make the church essential and relevant to my age group. Serving and being a vital part of the church has helped me grow in my faith, and I believe it can help my whole age group come back to be part of the body of Christ, too.

Tuesday on the Soapbox

Sometimes, We Christians Don’t Act Very Christlike

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I catch myself doing it sometimes, and you’ve probably caught yourself doing it too. Judging, gossiping, disapproving, or feeling superior to someone else…and much of it happening within the church, supposedly a haven of compassion, forgiveness, and love.

As one who has spent time both outside the church and inside it, I find this puzzling, but not surprising. We’re all humans, after all, and we make mistakes; we get irritated at each other, say things we shouldn’t, and let darker emotions lead us to make snap decisions about others. But too often, we Christians often act as if we never sin in this manner (because that’s what it is: sin). Instead of forgiving, loving, and showing compassion to other believers within the church (or to nonbelievers outside it), we sometimes show off a more judgmental, self-righteous, and downright isolationist attitude.

Problem #1: Pride

For instance, heated arguments in the church can crop up over the most petty things, like “who gets to direct this ministry,” “what music we worship with/don’t worship with in this church,” “what kind of decorations to use/not use,” etc. And more hurt feelings (and subtle grudges) result from this than we care to admit. We all want recognition for what we’re doing for the church, but sometimes the pursuit of that recognition can obscure the reason WHY we’re doing it.

Sometimes I just want to scream, “What does it matter, as long as it’s for God?” And then I catch myself wanting a solo in the next choir special. It happens to us ALL, even if we’re trying our best to live as God would have us live. Pride and the desire for recognition/praise is a human thing, but I believe it must be battled, especially in the church where our primary intent is to praise God.

Problem #2: Judgmental Thinking

We’ve all thought it at one time: “So-and-so doesn’t belong in MY church. They aren’t like me at all.” There’s that one person whom you just don’t feel comfortable around, who just gets on your nerves. Maybe they’re too casual and loud with their worship, or maybe they look you up and down as if they’ve just judged you and found you lacking. Maybe they don’t dress “right” for church (read: not the way you dress), or maybe they seem like they want to turn the church into a rigid political institution with God just kind of thrown in there somewhere.

When we feel uncomfortable around others, we tend to judge them more harshly. It happens to me just as it happens to other Christians; there have been times when people have said stuff within the church and it just crawls all over me. I wind up thinking, “How can THEY call themselves Christian? How dare they! I’M certainly more Christian than they are!”

And there’s the problem. When we start comparing others to ourselves and finding them lacking in comparison to us, we’ve taken our attention completely away from God. When we focus on how much WE’RE holy and how righteous WE are, we utterly forget to worship God because we’re too busy worshipping ourselves. That’s where judgmental thinking really comes from, and it’s an insidious little thing that creeps into everyone’s mind at some time.

Problem #3: Isolationism

Have you ever noticed that we Christians can function as a rather insular group? Sometimes it feels, at least to me, as if churches are less like worship centers and more like exclusive social clubs, where you have to have a special password to even get in the door, and when you get in, everybody is divided up into little cliques that don’t really talk to each other.

I agree that it is important to surround yourself with other Christians, especially if you’re new to the faith, so that you don’t fall back into sinful lifestyles and habits. But sometimes we go a little too far to the other extreme, even refusing to talk to or hang out with people because they “aren’t Christian,” as if being in the presence of nonbelievers will somehow “taint” us.

Jesus Himself caused a little controversy when He went to eat with Zacchaeus the tax collector (Luke 19:1-9). People begun to rumble about Jesus “[going] to be the guest of a sinner” (NIV translation). But Jesus, in this instance and many others, went to people who didn’t necessarily believe in Him yet, breaking bread with them and being with them. And most often, His very presence among them and His serene, compassionate attitude changed their hearts. Why, then, do we Christians sometimes act as if we’re too “holy” or “righteous” to go among nonbelievers, when the Son of God was not afraid to do so?

Coming from my own experience, I believe that most of the answer lies in our human desire for comfort and familiarity. Doing things that are new and challenging requires courage and deep-rooted security in oneself, and I can definitely say I lack that in most areas of my life. I don’t feel qualified to verbally witness to others, for instance, because I can’t quote chapter and verse off the top of my head (I had to take quite a while to look up the passages I just referenced in the last paragraph, for instance). And I’m sure I’m not the only Christian who has these secret fears; sometimes we don’t reach out to nonbelievers because we are afraid of rejection, anger, or being caught without knowledge.

However, the other side of the issue must be addressed, too–when we have already judged someone else harshly for being a nonbeliever, we are more likely to be unfriendly to them. Is that what Jesus would have us do? I can tell you from personal experience that some of the harshest people I’ve ever been around have also been very rigidly Christian–so rigid in their faith, in fact, that I thought they would splinter apart if they moved a fraction of an inch. They were hard to get to know and harder to talk to about faith; everything I talked about, it seemed, met with a disapproving glare or frown. Is it any wonder less people are interested in Christianity, if this is the only face of Christianity they ever see?

Jesus’ example, however, shows us all that sometimes all we need to be is compassionate and approachable. Shyness or visual signs of disapproval can only further isolate us as Christians from the world. I’m not saying we go to every rough-and-tumble bar, knock a few back, and end up falling out of our own faith practice, but we do need to go where people need to hear about Jesus, and we do need to share about Jesus in a personal, gentle manner. And, after all, who are we more likely to be friendly with–a stranger who doesn’t talk to us at all, a stranger who stares daggers at us, or a stranger who smiles, talks and laughs with us?

Summary

I think these three big problems really hurt the Christian church and its perception in the secular world, as well as hurting worship and feelings between believers. Pride, judgmental attitudes, and isolationism are hard to root out–believe me, I know, since I’ve been trying to expunge such behavior from my own life. But I truly believe we as Christians will be better examples of Jesus’ teachings if we strive to be as forgiving, compassionate, and loving as He taught.

Tuesday on the Soapbox

Church: Not about Control, but about Worship

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I have always said that whenever you get a group of humans together, even a group of Christian humans, you are going to have some manipulation and struggles for control, as well as hurt pride and hurt feelings. From a group of kindergartners to a group of co-workers, humans tend to have power struggles between each other, even if they are so subtle they are never voiced.

But in the Christian church, it seems, power struggles get far more virulent and dangerous to the community than in any other place. When people try to control the church’s direction, worship style, outreach, activities, and even decorations, worship itself gets lost in the confusion, and it can split the church apart before any of the members are truly aware of what’s happened.

Where Good Intentions Become Manipulation/Control: A Handy Chart

I am not saying that church members should not be active in the church, doing things for the church, etc. What I am advising against here is church members saying, “Hey, you do things my way, or I’m taking my tithe elsewhere.” Many times, actions and behavior that start out well-intentioned become manipulative and controlling–here’s a few examples:

Good Intentions… …Manipulation/Control
Suggesting a new style of worship music to be integrated with the current choices Demanding that a new style of worship music be put in place of the old
Offering to decorate the church display tables/altar/choir loft/etc. Refusing to heed anyone else’s ideas about decorations because it’s “your” ministry
Coming to the business meetings to learn what needs to be done Turning the business meeting into a theater for your ideas and yours alone
Meeting with the pastor to discuss a part of last week’s sermon you found distressing Firing off hateful emails to the pastor about the sermon last week
Politely disagreeing with a music style choice Threatening to leave the church if the offending music is not changed
Expressing well-reasoned doubts about a new, experimental ministry Talking spitefully about the experimental ministry getting in the way of your work
Discussing funding for all church programs Demanding that the programs you’re involved in get the most funding
Expressing thoughtful concern about the length of the worship service Complaining (loudly) that the service always lets out too late for you to get to your favorite restaurant

Those who Try to Control the Church Are Never Happy

It’s important to realize that people who try to control the church are actually missing out. They miss out on their own true worship by fretting and worrying over the church’s organization; by the same token, they make worship nearly impossible for others by being so specific in their “needs.” They are so concerned with making everything “just so” that they end up unhappy that everything can’t be “just so.”

Not only that, people who try to control the church are actually pretending their word and authority goes before God’s on earth. When you try to control everything that a church does just to suit your own needs, the church becomes significantly less about God and more about you. In fact, some churches can end up inadvertently worshipping their wealthiest/most influential members, instead of God. (I’ve seen it happen…more times than I wish.)

This kind of controlling and manipulating behavior is one reason people have begun to draw away from the church, citing that they “hate religion.” (See: the viral Youtube video on that very subject.) When we start worshipping other people’s interests, wants, and needs rather than focusing on God, the whole point of the earthly church is lost.

Compassion and Compromise: The Secret to a Great Church Family Relationship

I believe that compromise, compassion, and understanding is how churches truly function best. Though my church is certainly not free of these human problems, I have been lucky to not feel factions and church politics intruding on my worship and praise. I chose my current church specifically because I felt God moving in it, felt Him working and using the church to do what needed to be done in the wider community. Though we are now going through a little rough patch, I know that the members are still the same good folk I knew when I first joined, and I know God has this under control.

When we use calm discussion, good sense, and humility in dealing with fellow Christians, church problems just seem to dissolve away rather than sit and rankle in our hearts. Realizing that it’s not “all about us,” but rather “all about Jesus,” is a powerful reminder that what we want isn’t as important as praising God. When we put aside the desire for more power, more prestige, more accomplishment, and more pride, God can come into our lives and start doing marvelous works.

One of the leaders of the church said in a recent meeting, “Don’t join a church attempting to change it; join it because it feels like the place God wants you to be.” I think that’s the takeaway message here. Don’t change your particular church to be something that panders to you and only you, and don’t threaten others with taking “influence” and “tithes” elsewhere; instead, be as Christlike, compassionate and forgiving, as you can be. That’s what Christianity is about, isn’t it?

Tuesday on the Soapbox

Virginity in the Modern World

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virginity
Being a virgin in an increasingly sexual world is kind of weird, to say the least. Most American women my age (late 20s) have already either married and had kids, or they’ve at least experienced sex even if they’re not married. Not to mention that Westernized media (TV, music, movies, Internet) tends to hyper-focus on anything sexual. Anything on TV or in the movies seems like it has to have some kind of sex scene or nudity, ostensibly in order to keep viewers’ attention; in music and online, the more sexual innuendo (or blatant references, more like), the more hits and downloads you get.

With all of this swirling about in our culture, sometimes it makes me wonder–does virginity really have a place anymore in society? Is it even something important anymore?

Going Off My Own Perspective and Experience (or Lack of It, in This Case)

The reason I wonder this is because virginity is still important to me. Now, I’m certainly no prude when it comes to sex–I know mentally how it all works, and I’m not without desire and attraction. Knowing that all this hyper-focus exists about a subject I don’t have any practical experience with does makes me feel a bit out of the loop, though. I’m not used to not knowing…but I’m personally okay with that right now, because it’s part of my personal beliefs to be a virgin until I’m married.

And yet, I consider myself a feminist, too, believing in equal treatment of the sexes; I do not consider my beliefs on virginity to be a contradiction of feminism, because I believe male virginity can be just as important for a man’s sense of self (more on that later). I am aware that the whole custom of the “virgin bride” arose out of a paternity concern on the part of the husband throughout history; the men wanted to be sure their heirs were truly theirs. But now that the era of hereditary dynasties and such has largely gone by, Western societies don’t socially fixate on a woman’s sexual status quite so much, and for the most part, we as women are more in control of if, when, with whom, and how often we have sex. (It’s not completely there yet, as Steve Harvey’s overtly sexist commentary on “women’s precious jewels” clearly depicts, but it’s progressing.)

Growing up in the American Southeast as I have, however, I have seen the morals of the “Bible belt” firmly in place throughout my childhood and early adulthood. It’s still generally understood around here that if you’re a “good girl,” you’ll remain a virgin until after you’re married–old traditions die hard, I suppose. There’s not nearly so much societal judgment that falls on a girl’s head for “disobeying” this social more as there used to be, but there can still be whispers and ugly rumors. This is likely one unconscious reason that I have chosen to keep the V-card (to use the modern parlance), though there are plenty of temptations out there for even the most stolid of women.

But what about virginity is so important? Personally I feel that my virginity is a part of my identity, but not a permanent part; it is a marker of my commitment to my future. My boyfriend of several years views his own virginity similarly; we are all but married, and yet until we are actually married, we are both waiting. (I might be getting a tad impatient right now, LOL, but I’m abiding by his wishes and my own convictions.)

The Modern Meaning and Use of Virginity: More About Self, Less About Reputation

This use of virginity seems to be rather rare; virginity has long been seen as either a commodity (for women to give to men) or as a hindrance (for men). Furthermore, female virginity used to be (and in some places still is) a requirement for marriage, and the loss of it before marriage meant shame and even death. But I find that staying a virgin until marriage nowadays has three mostly-ignored benefits, for both genders:

  1. you largely escape the concerns of STDs
  2. you don’t have to worry about being a single parent of a child you weren’t ready for
  3. you get to experience sex first with the one you really love

With HIV and other STDs running rampant, this is a health concern as much as a cultural and spiritual concern; you can’t be too careful with your health! And certainly being responsible about bringing children into the world is just as important–waiting until you are (more) stable, capable, and ready for a family helps. But waiting so that you and your future husband or wife can learn about intimacy together seems like the most compelling of the three reasons, at least for me. I don’t know for a fact, not having experienced sex yet myself, but I view it as such a vulnerable act that I wouldn’t want to attempt it without knowing and trusting the man I’m with. And I don’t see this as a female-only mindset, as I mentioned before; male emotions and well-being are worth protecting and nurturing, too, despite the fact that male virginity is often discounted as part of being a “loser.”

Why do I place equal value on female and male virginity? Because relationships in general are acts of vulnerability and trust–you are sharing your emotional and mental self just as you share your physical self in sex. I am now as guarded about my emotions and well-being as I am about my physical body, having been hurt before, and I’d dare to say many people have experienced that same kind of heartache and broken trust. Sex, however, often aggravates underlying relationship problems rather than alleviating them, especially if given too casually. Couldn’t virginity for both parties (or at least abstinence from sex too soon in the relationship, if one or both people are not virgins) ensure that we build the strong emotional and mental connection first, so that physical intimacy later is just icing on that cake?

A Few Closing Thoughts

I certainly don’t have all the solutions to the emotional and social problems that have cropped up around sex in our society, but I do believe that for both genders, sex can be frightening if one or both of the people involved feel pushed or rushed. And our culture is really not doing a great job of depicting unhurried, true loving intimacy based on a solid relationship. I’m not saying that everybody’s got to wear a purity ring till you’re married, but staying a virgin could protect you from the emotional pitfalls of a relationship as well as the more obvious physical ones. It has certainly functioned that way for me thus far.